Just A Thought

Just a thought:  Tomorrow would be Cadence's 5 month birthday. Everytime we come to another "would be milestone" I get the sinking feeling that I am missing out on my daughters life. Then I remember that that isn't really the case.

Obviously the only reason Cadence came to this earth when she did was to get a body. At least I can feel good knowing that I accomplished giving her the most perfect little body she could ask for. Aside from the fact that her brain cells had issues, the ultrasound technician said she had an absolutely perfect brain and all the thousands of tests said the same thing. So, someday, when we see her again, even her brain cells will be perfect (assuming that was even what was wrong in the first place).

With all that's been happening in the world lately and with everything that has been in the news, that "some day" is looking to be closer than I thought. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. Good that we will see our loved ones again, good that this seemingly endless wickedness really will come to an end, but not so good that there is even more unfathomable wickedness and devastating destruction to come! Do I really want to live to see that? I think so, the end result will be so glorious a thing to behold that all the bad leading up to it will seem like nothing. And best of all (aside from, let's not forget, seeing Christ!), I will see my Cadence again, at exactly the age she was when she left.

Pictures of Cadence



Right before Cadence was born






Cadences first hour of life



  



"Designer Sunglasses"

               

Here Come the Pictures

Okay, so we got the pictures and Logan made space on our computer for them, well hopefully. We even got an external hard drive, so we'll see. I think Cadence had more pictures in 46 days of life than most people do in 10 years! I don't think I'll put all of them on here because there are well over 1000 but I will pick the very best ones. :) Here it goes, hopefully it will work, I really don't want to have to do more junk with the hard drive and stuff...

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs, I still see the lights,
I still feel your love on cold wintery nights.

I still share your hopes and all of your cares,
I'll even remind you to please say your prayers.

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud
you stand head and shoulder above all the crowd.

Keep trying each moment to stay in His grace
I came here before you to help set your place.

You don't have to be perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip if you continue the climb.

To my family and friends, please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you, in a new special way.

I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.


Written by John Wm. Mooney, Jr.

A Gift From Heaven

I am with you always
I live in your heart
I speak to your soul
We are not far apart

When you feel a light breeze
Hear the songs the birds sing
Know that I see every smile
Your kindness can bring

I see you building your dreams
With wisdom and grace
And asking His guidance
With each challenge you face

I am more than a memory
You will feel our love grow
I am forever your angel
Some things you just know

Please tell me your thoughts
Your hopes and your fears
And know that through faith
He will heal all your tears

For today, I can share
That in heaven above
God has taken my hand
I am complete, I am love

Written by Kristan Dean

"In The Here After"

"Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of its spirit ... when the mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition than it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure, whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

-Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine

"Home"

So, Logan and I have spent the last week spending every day at the hospital with our cute little girl. We tried weaning her oxygen and back up breaths but her CO2 levels sky rocketed. Her poor little body just can't pump enough of it out I guess. So we set a date to take her off her support (that date being today, November 28th), and then spent the week or so before then holding her, taking pictures of her, reading to her, and dressing her in the cute clothes I had been wanting to put her in for so long. We got pictures of her in her little tiny jeans (I didn't even know they made jeans that small!!) with her adorable pink tennis shoes. And the little blue dress from Hilary that was sitting in her diaper back since September, waiting to be her "going home outfit". I guess you could say that the pretty pink dress from Kyle and Alyssa's yard sale actually ended up being her going home outfit. We put her in it to have pictures taken yesterday and today. A non-profit organization at the hospital came and took a whole bunch of really nice professional pictures. Yesterday we had a "family day" and all of our immediate family came up and we got pictures and spent the day with Cadence. Then, today we got pictures of just her, her cute feet, her hands, our hands, me rocking her in my special rocking chair (Thank you so much Janae and Jim for bringing it down for me!) with the quilt that I made for her. It was the rocking chair that my dad got for my mom for mothers day when she brought me home from the hospital. So she rocked her first child/daughter in it and I wanted to be able to rock my first child/daughter in it as well.
          And then, the part that is a bit more sad, we took her off of her oxygen at about 12:30 this afternoon. She had definitely been getting worse over the past few weeks because she didn't last long at all before her saturation levels plummeted. The nurses gave her some medication to make it peaceful for her and we held her there until she was gone. She went home (although not the home I had originally wanted) at 3:09 this afternoon. She was so beautiful even then. It was, however, kinda sad that the only time I really ever got a good long look at her without any tubes or wires stuck all over her was when she was dying. I'm glad she went peacefully and I know she's happy now. Although it was hard to let her go, I know that now she is free from the never ending struggle that she had been dealing with from the day she was born. When we see her again, her brain will be perfect, just like the rest of her already is. No more seizures, no more "episodes",  no more tubes in her nose, no more tubes down her throat, no more needles poking her day and night, and she will actually be able to be herself. I don't think her brain allowed her complete personality to come through the way a normal baby should be able to. Before she was born, she was a happy, wiggly, stubborn little baby and someday we will get to see that side of her again.
              Oh, we did finally get to learn this past week that she has a very beautiful voice. Logan and I heard her cry, just little one breath cries, off and on this week. I'm not sure if it was because she was a bit more responsive in the last week (possibly because she was growing out of her seizure medication dose), or if she was telling us it was time to let her go, or if she just knew we wanted to hear her before she went, or if she was learning from the really loud baby in the bed next to her, but she has the cutest little voice ever.
              Although the last 6 1/2 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life, they have somehow also been the best (and I know Logan feels the same). Now I guess the next step is to get all of her pictures and put them on here. Thank you everybody for your thoughts, prayers, support, visits and everything else you have done to help. I know that Cadence is where she belongs now and that she is happy. And although I really don't want to have to wait to see her again, I know it will be more than worth it.